No Happiness Without Patience
I'm searching for modern happiness. The old-fashioned kind takes just too long. That happiness requires patience and I don't want to wait. I want upgraded happiness. I want release 4.02, the "new and improved" version.
This is the 21st century and I demand instant gratification.
Once upon a time, you had to wait to eat your meal. Even when the Mammoth Burger walk-through was open, they offered only self-kill meals. And when you brought them home, you still had to get the fire started.
"What? Mammoth burger again? How you cook?"
"Ugh. Start fire for cave lady."
"Hah. You probably burn cave down."
"Hah you. No can burn cave down. Buy insurance policy."
"How you start fire?"
"Rub two fingers together. Make big flame. Cook mammoth burger."
"Last time you burn fingers."
"Yummy."
Nobody lights a fire these days. People don't even light ovens anymore. It takes just too long to heat up a meal. It takes just too much patience. I'm hungry now, not 40 minutes from now. That's why God gave us microwave ovens. Just pop the food in and whrrr -BEEP- out it comes, nicely warmed for immediate consumption. That's how I want my happiness - toasty warm and right now!
"Ooh. No more burn fingers."
Consider the Internet. You type "electric toothpicks". You hit "enter". Google responds: "Search took 1.02 seconds."
"Seems kinda slow," you think. "Google is ready for the geriatric ward." You click on the first result - something about an electric eel eating a balanced breakfast - and a blank screen appears. You wait.
TRIVIA QUESTION: Did you know that Shakespeare once waited almost twenty seconds for a web site to appear, so he could find a word that rhymed with cardiologist? The web site finally appeared in 1997, but he had given up waiting by then.
Five seconds pass. Time's up and still not site. Your instant gratification cells have been offended. You surf to another site.
"Ugh. No get Mammoth Burger web site. This thing no work."
"That thing rock."
"Rock broken. Go to mammoth burger walk-through"
I don't want to walk to get happiness. I want it delivered now. Not twenty seconds later, even if it does rhyme with cardiologist. Not 1.02 seconds later. I want happiness now.
Remember the olden days when you had to extract your posterior from the couch to change channels? That took such a monumental effort that most people sat through whole television shows without changing channels. Of course, that might have been because the other channel was playing Lawrence Welk.
Back in the two-channel universe there was always something on. Now we flip through 472 channels, which keeps us busy while wishing for something worth watching.
Thanks to the remote control, affectionately known by its technical term - the doodadder - we can flip channels at a relaxed pace of 15 to 20 per minute without even breaking into a sweat. Imagine our body odor if we had to extract our posteriors from the couch each time we change channels!
"Ugh. No like show. Change channels."
"That thing rock."
"Rock need more channels. This play only test pattern."
Happiness should be like television. If I don't get instant gratification, I should be able to change channels with a zap.
The checkout clerk who doesn't care...ZAP!
The driver kissing my rear bumper...ZAP!
The loudmouth yakking in the cinema...ZAP!
The telemarketer who calls during dinner...ZAP!
Come to think of it, all those annoying people in my way at the grocery store, at the ticket booth, in the parking lot, in the waiting room...ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
"Miss Wooly no give me mammoth burger."
"What you do?"
"I zap her with club. Take mammoth burger."
"Ugh. You invent self-serve."
Sigh. Happiness is not like a microwave oven. Nor like the Internet. Not even like a doodadder. Happiness does not run on the instant gratification system. Happiness takes patience. Lord, please grant me the patience I lack...and I want it now!
About The Author
The author is David Leonhardt. Sign up for his weekly satire column up at http://www.TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html or read more columns at http://www.TheHappyGuy.com/self-actualization-articles.html. Or join in the happiness at http://www.thehappyguy.com.
Latest News
guardian.co.uk | Twitter hacker says admin password was 'happiness' Los Angeles Times, CA - Happiness. The hack victim, a Twitter staffer who goes by the name Crystal on the social network, used that nine-letter word as the password for her account ... Twitter Hacker Says Admin Password Was 'Happiness' Simple, brute-force dictionary attack was used on Twitter Password guessing attack exposed in Twitter pwn |
Ten Ways To Be Happier Now Forbes, NY - It might seem that happiness is in short supply these days. Still-slumping housing prices, bleak consumer spending, high unemployment and a recession are ... |
![]() RTE.ie | Twitter 'happiness' hack exposed Britney Metro, UK - ... but then discovered she was a staff member called Crystal with access to all profiles and passwords. Her simple password, Happiness, was easy to crack. Twitter insecurity |
Get High on Happiness: Jewishinstlouis.org, MO - By Max Weiman According to the Book of Creation, (an ancient kabbalistic book written by the patriarch, Abraham) every month has a Hebrew letter associated ... |
![]() 24dash | Ofsted rates children's happiness The Press Association - The data gives each local authority a score on five different measures - the emotional health of children (happiness), bullying, participation in "positive" ... Inner London teenagers least likely to take drugs Half of all pupils are bully victims More friends and emotional security - how northern children top ... |
It's Never Too Late: Happiness Now! Examiner.com - OK So sometime in December I was minding my own business and I get this email that I missed because I was very busy minding my own business but actually the ... |
Bihar government jobs bringing happiness but with pain Indian Muslims, CA - By Abdul Wahid Azad, During the last few years some positive changes took place in the Indian province of Bihar which was earlier dubbed as BIMARU state of ... |
It's Nothing but Happiness For Kate and Len PopSugar.com, CA - Kate Beckinsale and Len Wiseman traveled with Lily from London to LA over the weekend and then hit the streets for some grocery shopping yesterday. ... |
Happiness in hockey Morgan Hill Times, CA - At the Sharks Ice in San Jose, a hodgepodge group of men sporting full hockey pads, carrying sticks and wearing face masks emerges from the rink-side locker ... |
Happiness is ... Enid News & Eagle, OK - Ask each one their definition of happiness and you would likely get 6.7 billion different answers. Some people say being rich would make them happy, ... |
Resources
-
Save Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage, Stop Your Divorce, Stop Your Break Ups, Broken Heart Adv
Save Relationship, Broken Heart, Breakup, Breaking up Advice, Save Marriage, Stops Divorce, Bring Back Lost Love
-
Mind Power Studio; the power of affirmations, subliminal messages and subconscious mind for self imp
Discover the power of affirmations, subliminal messages, self improvement,subconscious mind with Mind Power Studio
-
Mind Control Secrets for a Lifetime of Health, Happiness and Success
25 of the World's Great Masters Reveal the Secrets of Creating Wealth and Prosperity with the Power of Your Mind.
-
Eliminate Negative Thinking, Achieve Your Dreams - RightandWrongThinking.info
Take charge of your life and create the success and Happiness you want and deserve! Learn how to eliminate negative thoughts, control your mind and achieve your dreams. Why Learning to Control Negative Thoughts is the Key to Your Achieving Success!
-
Conquering Fear
Discover how to conquer fear.
-
The Motivated Mind - A Complete Guide to Personal Change
Motivation tips and techniques to help you achieve greater Happiness and success.
-
Mind Control Secrets for a Lifetime of Health, Happiness and Success
Step-by-step instructions in this absolute beginner's guide to using mind power for wealth.
-
Your Quantum Leap into the Understanding, Having and Enjoying of Immense Wealth and Happiness
Your Quantum Leap to Understanding, Having and Enjoying Immense Wealth & Happiness.
-
The Master Key System - Charles F. Haanel
The Master Key System by Charles Haanel. A 24-part course on achievement and success. Also, free books by Thomas Troward.
-
Yoga Health Secrets: relaxation, stress-relief, health and inner peace
Yoga Health Secrets is a comprehensive guide to yogic techniques for Happiness and good health.

