Beyond Her Grasp
I am a woman, 42, who three years ago married a wonderful man who will be 48 on his next birthday. I love him very, very much. The only problem is our sex life is horrible. Pretty much nonexistent. I can safely say we have had sex maybe 20 times in our six year relationship.
When I've tried numerous times to talk to him, he gets defensive and says, "There's nothing wrong with me." He also says, if I want to have sex, I should just say so. But when I make advances, he pushes me away thinking I am playing with him. Then he leaves the room. Of course I get frustrated, out of the mood, and give up.
I love my husband so much I don't make a big deal of it, although I know this is not normal or healthy. I can't get him to go to counseling or discuss this. I am at my sexual peak, and I am tired of dreaming of sex with other men. I want our relationship to work, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
Claire
Claire, you can work on planting a garden, you can work on your weight loss, you can work on your reading speed. But you cannot work on someone else's problem, unless they are willing, and failure is guaranteed when they tell you they do not have a problem.
Thoreau said, "It takes two to speak the truth--one to speak and another to hear." Your husband will not hear or discuss reality, the reality of the situation as you see it. You married him knowing he had this problem. Marriage does not cure a problem, it makes you a party to it for awhile.
Is this the hard lesson you had to learn? That you cannot marry a man with a serious problem and expect to fix it.
Calling Her Bluff
I've been with my boyfriend for four years, and he is going through the longest divorce known to man. His soon-to-be ex knows of me and told him she is insanely jealous. She makes my life complete hell by e-mailing him sexual innuendoes, asking him for expensive gifts, and calling him an average of 12 times a day.
I told him to cut the cord. If he wants to be with me, he has to protect me, be true to me, and make me feel secure in this relationship. We even tried counseling a few years back, and then he cheated on me with her. Many times I told him to get on with this divorce or I would be gone, but it doesn't seem to scare him anymore.
How do I get my point across to this man, and do I have any grounds to tell this woman to leave him alone and just tend to her children?
Paige
Paige, the one thing which may set you free is to look on this situation from a different point of view. He didn't cheat on you with her. She's his wife. He's cheating on her with you. You describe her as his soon-to-be ex, but "soon-to-be ex" is a term more likely to describe your future, not hers.
You threaten and threaten to leave, and you never do. Bluffing in poker may be good strategy, but bluffing in life is weak. Once your bluff is called, you've lost all power and all credibility. And counseling? Think about how funny that is. You went for relationship counseling with a man in a marriage to another woman.
Why do you keep plodding forward? Because you want to be married. There is nothing wrong with that. But you cannot marry someone who is already married. There is a simple solution. Don't give up wanting to be married, just give up married men.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 22, 2004
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Latest News
 Gay Socialites | An ugly attack on Mormons Los Angeles Times, CA - The Mormon zealots yank the couple's wedding rings from their fingers and then tear up their marriage license. As the thugs leave, one says to the other, ... Sam Loomis '10: Common ground Proposition 8: Separating the fiction from fact |
 NEWS.com.au | Melody LaLuz Fabien and Claudaniel Fabien wait until marriage to kiss Chicago Sun-Times, United States - ... marriage -- but went a little further by agreeing not to kiss each other on the lips before their union was official. The couple's wedding was yesterday ... Abstinence Instructors Hold Out Until Marriage for First Kiss Chicago couple wait for first kiss at the altar A Lesson From a 28-Year-Old Virgin Couple abstains from sex and ... |
 Sydney Morning Herald | Ivana Divorce! Trump Splits From Hubby After 7-Month Marriage FOXNews - Ivana Trump's sons walked her down the aisle, and her daughter Ivanka was her maid of honor for their April 2008 wedding held, to keep the family even more ... Ivana Trump splits from husband No.4, just seven months after ... Divorce: Ivana Trump 7 month marriage is over Ivana Trump Leaves Husband No. 4 |
Florida governor's bride-to-be chooses her gown for Dec. 12 wedding Sun-Sentinel.com, FL - Hung's salon is also altering cream-colored, floor-length dresses purchased elsewhere for Rome's two preteen daughters from a previous marriage, ... Gays to Demonstrate at Fla. Gov. Crist’s Marriage Gay rights group to protest at Crist's wedding Sunday links: A protest of the Crist-Rome nuptials? |
Ayesha's marriage postponed after terror attack Oneindia, India - Ayesha Takia's wedding to beau, restaurateur Farhan Azmi, delayed. Wedding to take place mid-2009 In the wake of the 26/11 terrorist attacks, Ayesha Takia's ... Ayesha Takia postpones wedding |
Certified Vacations Group, Inc. & CaribbeanWeddings.Com Announce ... MarketWatch - Certified's 28-year track record of excellence in developing packaged leisure travel, combined with our wedding expertise makes a perfect marriage. ... |
Group Plans To Protest Crist's Wedding CBS 4, FL - ... Impact Florida says the group plans to demonstrate outside Crist's wedding because he supported Amendment 2, which banned same-sex marriage in Florida. ... Gay Rights Group To Protest At Crist's Wedding Gay rights group to protest at Crist's wedding Gay Rights Protest Set For Nuptials |
This Season, Some Tempers Simmer Wall Street Journal - Now a trip to a cousin's Florida wedding in February is in jeopardy because of finances. Missing the wedding and Christmas "could become a source of ... |
 Auburn Citizen | Montag, Pratt wedding symbolic, not yet legal Auburn Citizen, NY - The story doesn't note that they had neither obtained a marriage license nor taken part in a separate civil ceremony, which is required by Mexican law to ... Something Fishy About Spencer - Heidi Wedding |
Why Ruin Their Wedding Day? ireport - Gay Activists have announced that they will be outside of the church to protest the Governor's support of the amendment banning Gay marriage. ... |
Resources
-
Wedding Vows, Marriage Vows
Proven Wedding and Marriage vows.
-
Free Personals with photos - International Marriage site
matrimonials with pictures. Post your matrimonial for free and browse though photo personals to find your mate, bride, groom. Matrimonial service for people looking for love, romance and Marriage.