Give-and Take: Recipe for Success in Marriage?
A woman once visited a counselor to ask a question about her marriage. I have a funny feeling that you might not be especially impressed with the answer she was given.
All the same, I'll take my chances. I think my shoulders are broad enough.
I stand by the counselor's response 100%.
The questioner (let's call her Jane) was married to a divorcee. Her husband (John) had to pay a certain sum of money every month to his previous wife as alimony, or whatever.
Sticky patch
He had just started a new business and was passing through a financial sticky patch. The obligation to his ex-wife, on top of everything else, was putting John under a lot of pressure.
Jane was a working person and gladly helped to pay the family debts. She never thought twice about it. But could she be expected to contribute in this case?
Surely, reasoned Jane, her husband's financial commitment to somebody to whom he had been married previously had nothing to do with her? Yes, she and John were life partners and she was happy to share all his burdens.
But even for what happened in a previous life, so to speak? Wasn't that going too far?
"I must confess I don't really understand your question," the counselor gently told Jane after listening intently to her dilemma.
"You and John are husband and wife. John has a debt. He's struggling to pay it. What difference does it make what the debt is for? It's a debt, period!"
The counselor smiled warmly at Jane before she continued.
"His problems are your problems. You're in this together. Why on earth shouldn't you help pay the debt? If, after all, it's difficult for you to accept this, it must be that there's some deeper problem in your marriage..."
And that's it.
Don't hit the roof!
Now, it's important not to misunderstand the counselor, or me. I don't want your blood pressure to hit the roof! We have to keep cool heads and put everything in the proper perspective.
First of all, she wasn't implying, of course, that John now had a licence to sit back, put his legs up, and meditate blissfully about the higher meaning of life, while his dear and ever obliging spouse worked like a donkey to pay the price of his past.
Not at all. I should think that's pretty obvious, but I have to stress it just in case.
Secondly, when we talk about husband and wife being full partners in the business of living, about sharing each other's burdens - financial or otherwise - no less than each other's joys, we are not saying for one moment that either party must contribute more than is reasonable.
In the case of our story, Jane was a high-earning professional. In other instances, a wife may bring in little or no income, for any of a number of reasons. It may not be desirable that she be working at all.
And not only money!
But that's hardly the point. We're talking of quality, rather than quantity. One can only do what one can, but it's the real desire to help that counts. And contributing doesn't only mean money.
I'll let you in on a little secret. I don't really like the use of the word PARTNER in connection with marriage.
True, we've used it up to now, for want of a better term. It does come in handy to describe a good marriage relationship, up to a point.
Yet, I hardly think that an ideal marriage relationship is a "partnership" in the same sense that we talk about a business partnership, for example. Not at all. When we think of a partnership, we usually think about a contract between two parties. A 50-50 sharing of responsibilities,or the like.
Confused?
A little confused? Well, let me explain!
Do you have children? Good! Do you love them?
"What a question!" you exclaim, "Gee, how I love them!"
"Don't you know the sacrifices we made for them? From the moment they came into this world, when they depended on us for their very survival, my spouse and I gave them our all. Just as much as a whimper from them in the middle of the night, and we were there to attend to their needs. Even now, they may disappoint us, anger us or hurt us, but we continue to cater to their every whim...Do you need any greater proof that we love them!"
So...is that why you've done so much for them - because you love them so much?
Wrong way round
Could be. But even more, I'd say it's the other way round: You love them so intensely BECAUSE you've done so much for them!
This is nothing more or less than human nature, and I think there's a great lesson for us here. We need to think about this very carefully.
Sometimes, when two people begin to think about marrying each other, they think in terms of some business arrangement. Whether they verbally express it that way or not, their minds work something along these lines:
"You have needs and I have needs. Maybe, if I satisfy yours, you will satisfy mine. You wash the dishes and I'll pay the rent. Sundays to Tuesdays I'll take out the garbage, and for the remainder of the week you will. Other duties will be divided by mutual consent. For every suit I buy, you can buy two pairs of shoes..."
If this is the marriage you want, good luck to you! It's a free world. But will you be happy? I mean, really happy? I wonder.
Many people will tell you that for a happy marriage, you need what they describe as "give-and-take".
Give and take? Nonsense! Forget about it!
What you need is "give and give." And give again. And again.
That's the royal road to happiness.
Azriel Winnett is the creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene.
Latest News
Florida governor's bride-to-be chooses her gown for Dec. 12 wedding Sun-Sentinel.com, FL - Hung's salon is also altering cream-colored, floor-length dresses purchased elsewhere for Rome's two preteen daughters from a previous marriage, ... Gays to Demonstrate at Fla. Gov. Crist’s Marriage Gay rights group to protest at Crist's wedding Charlie Crist's fiancee to wear silk gown to the nuptials |
 New York Daily News | Ivana Divorce! Trump Splits From Hubby After 7-Month Marriage FOXNews - Ivana Trump's sons walked her down the aisle, and her daughter Ivanka was her maid of honor for their April 2008 wedding held, to keep the family even more ... Ivana Trump’s Ridiculous Marriage Inevitably Implodes Ivana Trump splits from husband No.4, just seven months after ... Divorce: Ivana Trump 7 month marriage is over |
Brad Pitt On Today: Make It Right, Marriage, Adoption Fears (VIDEO) Huffington Post, NY - ... and potential wedding plans with partner Angelina Jolie. "If we feel it's important to our kids, we would," he said of marriage, adding of his six kids, ... |
 MTV.com | Heidi & Spencer's Wedding Hoax Star Magazine, NY - 19, the questions immediately started as to whether the marriage was legal. After all, it takes at least five days to file the proper paperwork and have ... Heidi Montag And Spencer Pratt's Missing Wedding Rings Mystery |
This Season, Some Tempers Simmer Wall Street Journal - Now a trip to a cousin's Florida wedding in February is in jeopardy because of finances. Missing the wedding and Christmas "could become a source of ... |
Ayesha's marriage postponed after terror attack Oneindia, India - Ayesha Takia's wedding to beau, restaurateur Farhan Azmi, delayed. Wedding to take place mid-2009 In the wake of the 26/11 terrorist attacks, Ayesha Takia's ... Terror fallout – Ayesha Takia postpones marriage, Tusshar Kapoor ... Ayesha Takia postpones wedding |
 BBC News | At The Majestic Bay: 'Four Christmases,' two laughs Ballard News Tribune, WA - Mary Steenburgen as Kate's mother plays the same horny mother as Jane Seymour in "Wedding Crashers." And, Kate's dirty, inappropriate grandmother is the ... She's a Christmas cutup With $31.6M, “Four Christmases” Tops This Weekend Box Office |
Marriage is a gamble Straits Times, Singapore - She and her fiance are the main draws in Wedding Of The Year, set for release on Jan 22 next year. The film is a black comedy about a celebrity couple who ... |
 Miami New Times | Amazing, Someone is Actually Protesting The Crist Wedding Miami New Times, FL - At the end of a post entitled "Crist Prepares For His Constitutionally Protected Marriage," we rattled off that "it would be a real, real shame if any ... |
Group Plans To Protest Crist's Wedding CBS 4, FL - ... Impact Florida says the group plans to demonstrate outside Crist's wedding because he supported Amendment 2, which banned same-sex marriage in Florida. ... Gay Rights Group To Protest At Crist's Wedding Gay rights group to protest at Crist's wedding Gay Rights Protest Set For Nuptials |
Resources
-
Wedding Vows, Marriage Vows
Proven Wedding and Marriage vows.
-
Free Personals with photos - International Marriage site
matrimonials with pictures. Post your matrimonial for free and browse though photo personals to find your mate, bride, groom. Matrimonial service for people looking for love, romance and Marriage.