Parenting

This article on parenting is by a practicing relationship counsellor/therapist, and father.

The following suggestions will be useful for any parent or caregiver who wants to improve their relationships with their children.

In more extreme situations, many of the approaches will still be directly useful, and the overall approach is a guide for what the extreme situation needs to come back to.

It would also be very useful to attend relationship and/or family counselling to uncover the deeper sources of any family conflict.

Main points:

• Often, it is the unresolved trauma or early needs in the parents or caregivers that set up the behaviour and feelings of the child, so an absolutely necessary first step is for the caregiver to acknowledge and begin to deal with their own unresolved unconscious processes and reactivity.

• The main thing that children need is to be genuinely liked and delighted-in. They instinctively know your feelings about them. Parents need to arrange their lives so that they have enough opportunity to feel and express delight in their children.

  Children have a primary need to be played with, and talked to, with actual connection, imagination to imagination - eg, on the floor, both delighting in the building and toppling of the blocks!

  The imagination connection has to be real - kids know! It's as real a need as food.

• The second most important thing is that the parent's relationship is the priority - not the children. The children need the parents to be the priority as well, as this gives them stability, security and example.

• There is no such thing as "naughty" - there is always a reason for crying and "misbehaving".

• How you want your child to be, you need to be yourself - there is no avoiding this, children are acutely aware of hypocrisy and "natural" justice. Be honest about yourself with them - you don't have to be "perfect", just honest.

• If children are considered as an inhibition on your "lifestyle", there will be problems - they love to be included in what you do (exclusion is very damaging).

  It takes much less effort overall, to actually pay real attention to, and to play with children on a genuine level, than to have them continually whining, crying, sulking and demanding.

• Be consistent and sparing with commands and discipline - a continual barrage of un-enforced, or inconsistently, enforced "don'ts" just makes children switch off to what you say. (This can be very dangerous, when an especially important "don't" comes along).

  It is very important to consistently apply previously stated consequences to any inappropriate behaviour.

  It is also very important that rules are fair and adhered to by the parents as well.

• Fairness is very important. Real, and/or perceived unfairness is probably the main trigger of conflict (even with adults).

• Give children definite, fair, and un-hypocritical limits that are socially acceptable, and as free as possible.

  Your children want your respect and approval, so "discipline" them by withdrawing yourself from them - only for as long as the socially unacceptable behaviour continues. The only "reward" for "good" behaviour is social acceptance - "good" behaviour should be considered as "normal", nothing special.

• Children are naturally fully intelligent - they are only lacking experience and information.

• Encourage physical and emotional "robustness" so that they can take, and enjoy, whatever textures life has for them. Don't over-protect or smother a child when hurt. Encourage self-reliance by supporting them to help themselves. But beware, this is not an excuse for abuse or neglect, it's a call for diligent, parentally-nurtured self-reliance.

  Encourage self-confidence and self-responsibility. (If a child is obsessively over-protected, with the "message" that they are not capable, then they will be incapable).

• Uninhibited physical contact is very important - avoid imparting your own phobias and obsessions to them. Again, this is not an excuse for abuse - as parents and caregivers we must do the work on ourselves, to become free of our own dysfunction.

• Bring about an awareness and appreciation of beauty.

  (A person, who is happy, and aware of beauty, cannot deliberately destroy that beauty, or harm others or the planet).

• Action and behaviour need to come out of willingness never fear. (Discipline coming out of fear and hate can never allow a person to be "whole" and creative).

• Uninterrupted "daydreaming" has been found to be a crucial element in well-being and growth, because lateral thinking, creativity, and internal connections happen in this mind state. Allow children this space - if they over-daydream, it's possible that there is some unresolved issue in the child's life that needs attending to.

• Avoid trying to "convince" a younger child with "reason", just state your position and hold to it firmly and lovingly.

• Allow children to develop at their own rate, (physically, mentally, and emotionally), while continuing to provide an environment that draws them on.

• Try not to limit a child's exploring - exploring is absolutely natural and necessary.

• Avoid creating conflict with a child by denying them doing what you are doing, or having, yourself - if you can't change your own ways, (to lead by example), then allow them a minimum of what you are doing or having, (while seeming to allow a lot). Conflict born of (perceived) unfairness is a big problem.

Summary

• The child needs to be genuinely delighted in.

• No parent is "perfect" - intention, awareness and self-honesty are what are important.

• Parents need to be firm, consistent, non-violent (physically or emotionally), non-materialistic, un-hypocritical and loving.

• No put-downs, no guilt, no devaluing.

About The Author

Clive Taylor has spent years of research into consciousness, zero-point physics theory, emergence theory, memes and many other new understandings coming out of mathematics, physics, sociology and psychology.

His ongoing work as relationship therapist is bringing deep revelations about the nature of our psyches.

Author/illustrator children's books and co-creator of a music CD.

Related web site: www.becomereal.com

Latest News

is there any correlation between bad parenting... AllHipHop - 2 hours ago is it essential for a parent to teach you a thing or two about men or women when it comes to crafting your relationship{mackin} skills and is it possible ... YOU'RE/THAT'S SO GHETTO AllHipHop all 3 news articles

Chief Parenting Extends C-Level Parental Suite to Include Chief ... PR Web (press release), WA - 13 hours ago Empowering men and women to become exemplary parents, recognizing those that do and honoring them with their earned executive level parenting titles, ...

The Intersect Between Reporting and Parenting Tecumseh Herald, MI - 6 hours ago Sometimes, though, circumstances make it so that all I can do is be the parent. Take last night's band concert in Britton. Just take yesterday in general, ...

Spencer Bachus Approves of Nanny State, Opposes Parenting Casino Gambling Web, FL - 2 hours ago Long time supporter of legalization and regulation of all forms of online gambling, Gordon Price, said, "Instead of teaching parents how to filter the ...

Examiner.com

Parenting Tip of the Day: Lay off the sarcasm Examiner.com - 7 hours ago by Terreece Clarke, Parenting Examiner I'm a sarcastic human being. I'm like Ralphie's dad from A Christmas Story, he dabbled in obsenities, ...

The Plain Dealer - cleveland.com

The Family Tree Baltimore Sun, United States - 14 hours ago Volunteers older than 21 are needed as parent educators in North and South Counties to co-teach a Positive Parenting Course in 12-week intervals. ... Statistics about children in crisis The Plain Dealer - cleveland.com all 4 news articles

TheTimes

Make holidays brighter for children of incarcerated parents, she says TheTimes, OR - 22 hours ago By Kristen Forbes A Parenting Inside Out class graduate poses with her son. She and her two children will be gift recipients at the Center for Family ...

Media Mogul Tommy Mottola Finds New Star in EEBEE MarketWatch - 23 hours ago We're confident that co-parenting this business with Tommy Mottola will bring us to the next level of success." "We are delighted to partner with EVERY BABY ...

Free parenting workshop today at Second Bethlehem Baptist Church ... Alexandria Town Talk, LA - 6 hours ago A free parenting workshop will be held today, Dec. 4, at 6 pm at Second Bethlehem Baptist Church located at 1910 Harris Street Alexandria. ...

Or Ami addresses parenting issues Agoura Hills Acorn, CA - 16 hours ago Congregation Or Ami's Center for Jewish Parenting is currently offering a series of lectures that cover a wide range of parenting issues. ...